


If I Told You What I Was

by clizziem



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Past Character Death, Shiratorizawa, Sort Of, Team Bonding, Team as Family, Victim Blaming, Volleyball Dorks & Nerds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-26 22:09:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30112779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clizziem/pseuds/clizziem
Summary: Tendou Satori's first year on the volleyball team has a lot of ups and downs. He's never really been accepted anywhere. But his father is determined to make that as difficult as possible and it takes an entire team of volleyball dorks and a grumpy coach to lift a monster's spirits.
Relationships: Semi Eita & Tendou Satori, Tendou Satori & Shiratorizawa Academy Volleyball Club, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 19
Kudos: 40





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello to whoever is reading this! This is basically a story from a fucked up dream I had and also I care Tendou so much.  
> TW for abuse and alcoholism but otherwise this should be cute.  
> Enjoy!

“First years! Line up!” The old coach with an arching back barks at the six boys waiting by the door. Tendou jumps in his skin but follows the others to line up in front of the net. The coach hums under his breath as he walks down the line and studies each of them. Tendou tries to stand up straighter so he looks less lanky and bizarre. He still hears the coach grunt to himself when he passes him and he swallows down a bubble of anxiety.

Maybe it won’t matter what he looks like. He heard this coach does like tall players, and Tendou has more length on his limbs than he knows what to do with.

“Introduce yourselves. You!” The coach snaps at the grey-haired boy on the end. “Start.”

The boy steps forward, his arms ram-rod straight against his sides, and says in a clear voice, “My name is Semi Eita! I’m a setter and I’ve been playing volleyball since elementary school.”

A boy with spiky brown hair steps up next. “My name is Yamagata Hayato! I play libero. I saw Shiratorizawa go to nationals two years ago and I decided to come here.”

The coach hums in approval. “Very nice.”

A darker-skinned boy comes forward. “My name is Ohira Reon. I’m an outside hitter from Hiyaba middle school!”

A boy with light brown hair steps forward and takes a deep breath. “I’m Soekawa Jin! I don’t have a preferred position but I also saw Shiratorizawa play at nationals and wanted to come here!”

The tall, brown-haired boy next to Tendou steps forward. “My name is Ushijima Wakatoshi. I’m a wing spiker,” he says in a deep voice. Tendou stifles a snort at how robotic he sounds. Seems like Shiratorizawa will have a robot and a monster on their team this year. The coach’s head snaps over to glare at Tendou and for half a second, he thinks that the man really does look like an old eagle before the man opens his mouth and shouts.

“You! What’s so funny?”

Tendou’s blood goes cold. He stands up as straight as he can and ignores the heat building behind his eyes. “N-Nothing, sir!”

“Introduce yourself. Now!”

“M-My name is Tendou Satori and I’m a middle blocker.”

The coach grunts. “How long have you been playing?”

“Since elementary school, sir!” Tendou hates this. He can feel all of the up and down looks he’s getting from the second and third-years.

“I didn’t see you on any middle school team rosters,” the coach says. He steps closer. “Did you play on a team in middle school?”

“I played during my third year,” Tendou states as calmly as he can. He hates where this conversation is headed.

“Only in your third year?” The coach asks.

“Were you a bench warmer or something?” One of the giant third-years behind the coach asks. A couple of snickers rise up and Tendou tries not to start shaking.

“No, I wasn’t!” He says clearly.

“Then why didn’t you play the other two years?” Another third-year asks. “Are you lying to us?” He adds in a taunting voice.

“I-I’m not lying!”

“Then explain yourself before I kick you out for your ridiculous behavior!” The coach barks in Tendou’s face.

_ “You behave like that again and you’re sleeping in the gutters!” _

He scrambles to come up with a lie before Ushijima chimes in next to him. “Does it matter why he didn’t play before? All that matters is whether or not he can score points now, right?”

The coach hums and steps away from Tendou. “I suppose you’re right, Ushijima. We’ll just see how well you can block.”

Tendou deflates and pushes some of his hair out of his eyes. 

The old man introduces himself as Coach Washijo but Tendou barely listens. He knows he’s on thin ice now. Washijo is probably going to be looking for reasons to get rid of him. He feels the tears threaten to spill out again and he takes a quiet, shaky breath.

He just wants to play. He just wants a team. He wants to belong somewhere and feel like he’s not a loose puzzle piece.

_ “Don’t join our team, Tendou! Monsters aren’t allowed on human teams!” _

“Go get changed! Then it’s your chance to prove yourselves. Seems like you all have different enough positions to play a practice match against our current starting lineup. We’ll see just how good each of you are.”

Tendou follows the others out of the gym but he still hears some snickers from the upperclassmen.

“He does look like a freak,” one of them whispers.

“Dude, he’s fucking creepy as shit. He’s kind of scary,” another mutters. Tendou feels a single tear roll down his cheek and he wipes his eyes before any more can fall. He glances down at his body and distantly wonders what it is about him that makes people think he looks so weird. How they independently came up with the nickname ‘monster.’ He’s not trying to creep people out.

“What made you laugh?” Ushijima asks out of the blue. The others have headed into the locker room already. Tendou remembers to put his mask back on before replying.

He puts on a smile and waves a hand dismissively. “Oh, nothing. You just sounded so serious,” Tendou says with a playful tone.

Ushijima raises his eyebrows. “What do you mean?” Tendou cocks his head.

“Is this just how you talk?”

Ushijima nods slowly. Tendou runs a hand through his hair and laughs awkwardly. “Oh. I-I didn’t mean to make fun of you.”

Ushijima pats his shoulder and walks away. Tendou stares at the back of the other boy’s head. He can’t figure out if he’s been forgiven or not. He just sighs and follows Ushijima into the locker room. Surprisingly, no one has finished changing yet but all the talking comes to a complete stop as soon as Tendou walks in. He ignores how his eyes sting and his chest aches when the silence coats the room and he just reaches for his bag with his t-shirt and shorts.

“Are you trying to get on the coach’s bad side on your first day?” Semi asks. Tendou freezes with his hands on the hem of his shirt.

“Do you expect to actually get on the team if you have, like, no experience?” Soekawa adds.

“I didn’t mean to cause a scene,” Tendou mutters. “And I said I’ve played since elementary school.”

“Not a team, though,” Soekawa says as he walks to the door. “Do yourself a favor and go home.”

“He has just as much a chance as the rest of us,” Ushijima says sternly. “Don’t talk like that if you can’t back it up.”

Soekawa huffs and leaves the locker room. Everything goes quiet again. Tendou turns so his back is facing the wall and pulls his shirt off. In the low light, no one can see the yellowing bruises on his chest, but the marks on his back would be harder to hide.

He hates that he needs a game plan every time he has to change around other people.

Tendou changes quickly and then hurries back to the gym. Soekawa and Semi are there already, wearing sleeveless jerseys. Soekawa has number five. Semi has number six. The coach hands Tendou number seven. He pulls it on over his head and rubs his hands over the blue jersey. He traces the number with his finger before he hears a snicker.

Tendou looks up and Soekawa hides his smirk in a fist. “What?” Tendou asks.

“Nothing. It’s just a jersey, you know. It’s not special.”

The coach hums in agreement and turns away. Tendou rubs his wrist and stares at the floor. It is special to him. He fought so hard to wear a jersey when he was a kid and in middle school. His middle school one had been handed to him with a grimace. Like the coach was pained he even had to be near Tendou long enough to give him a jersey.

Maybe this coach feels the same way. But it wasn’t withheld from him either.

Ohira is the last one to come back to the gym. As soon as one of the third-years hands him a jersey, Wahijo is talking again.

“Like I said before. You’ll be playing against our second and third years. Show me the best you can do. Fight for your spot on this team. We may take all of you, we may take some of you, and if you’re all pathetic, we may take none of you. Get in your positions.”

Tendou goes up to the net and puts his arms up.

The second and third years are awe-inspiring. They fight for each point like their lives depend on it. Coach Washijo shouts tips at them from the bench but no one is there to give Tendou and the other first years any pointers. Eventually, Tendou just starts listening to the coach’s tips and adjusting himself to abide by them. He holds himself on the balls of his feet so he can react faster. He keeps his fingers open instead of clenched. He gets as much of a running start as he can before going for a block.

Even though he barely knows these boys, they work well together. They’re all good about calling things out and telling each other who the ball is about to go to. Not to mention that no one can block Ushijima’s spike. It breaks through the blockers’ hands like a cannon through a wall.

“Damn!” Tendou exclaims before he can stop himself after Ushijima spikes the ball into a line shot, nearly tearing off the blocker’s fingers.

“Pick your jaw up off the floor and pay attention!” Washijo snaps. Tendou flinches, feeling his arms creep up to protect himself without meaning to.

“S-Sorry, sir,” Tendou stammers, and then Ushijima pats his shoulder again.

“Thank you, Tendou. That one felt really good.”

“O-Oh okay,” Tendou says and drops his arms. He catches a glance of Coach Washijo rolling his eyes. Tendou sets his jaw and takes a deep breath.

He has to do something impressive. Something that will make the man want to keep him. Something that will make him seem invaluable.

One of the third-years snickers at him. “Just go home, freak.”

Tendou sighs. He lulls his head over and sends the third-year a bored look. “Is that all you’ve got? I thought you’d be a little more creative with your insults.”

The third-year glares at him. “Shut your mouth before I knock your teeth out.”

Ushijima goes to the back to serve. Tendou chuckles. “A little better. I’ll give that a five out of ten.”

The third-year, Nakamura, reaches out like a viper and grabs Tendou’s wrist. He pulls him against the net. Tendou barely holds back a yelp and tugs his wrist. “Let go.”

“If you don’t shut up, you won’t be able to play whether you make it on the team or not after I’m done with you,” he hisses.

_ “Tendou, go get another one, or I swear to God you won’t walk for a week!” _

Nakamura pushes Tendou away and steps back. Tendou shakes for a second until the ball is flying in the air.

He watches Sato receive it and send it over to Watanabe. Nakamura races back to get ready to spike. Tendou watches his arm reach back and then towards the ball.

His hand makes contact and Tendou jumps. He thinks he knows where the ball is about to go.

The ball slaps his hands and he twists his wrists to send the ball back to the ground. Everyone is silent except for the sound of the ball bouncing towards Washijo.

“How...How did you do that?” Semi asks from somewhere behind him. “You were barely even paying attention.”

Tendou turns around and shrugs. “I don’t know. I guessed.”

The first years lose, but Washijo acts like he was expecting that. He’s holding a bundle of jackets in his hands and all the first years line up.

“You played a good game. All of you. So don’t be mad you lost, I knew you would. I was impressed enough with all of you to take you all on. Welcome to the Shiratorizawa Volleyball Club.”

Tendou restrains the proud gasp that wants to leave his body. He knows Washijo will probably try to get rid of him all season. The old man starts handing out jackets and Tendou stands up a little straighter when he gets to him.

“You’re a good blocker,” Washijo says. “Better hope your hunches stay as lucky as they were today.”

“Yes, Coach,” Tendou says and accepts the jacket. He finally has a team. Even if most of them don’t like him. He has a team. And maybe a friend.

He stands in front of his backdoor in dread. It’s late. Much later than he’d normally come home from school. He has a decent reason, though. So he hopes that’s enough. He sighs and reaches out to open the door.

Bottles clink against the opening door. Tendou took the recycling out two days ago and it’s already almost full again. There’s a new pile of dirty dishes in the sink but otherwise, the house looks the same as when Tendou last cleaned it. He pulls his shoes off and walks across the kitchen in his socks, hoping he can remain unnoticed.

But then there’s a shuffling sound from down the hall and a low, deadly calm voice says, “You’re late.”

“I-I tried out for the volleyball team,” Tendou says without looking up.

“Did you, now?” Botan sneers. “After what happened in middle school, you’re still chasing that dead dream?”

“It’s not dead!” Tendou says and shows off his jacket. “I made the team.” Botan snorts.

“You mean to tell me that’s why there’s a pile of dishes and bottles everywhere? You were off playing a fucking game?”

Tendou doesn’t say anything. Botan scoffs and throws his drink in Tendou’s face.

Rum.

Botan always gets especially mean when he drinks rum.

Mean, but not too violent.

“Well congrats on making the team, Satori,” Botan says and goes to the kitchen counter to refill his glass. “For however long they decide to keep you until they realize you’re a monster.”

Tendou doesn’t reply. Botan walks past him and slaps his back too hard. “Clean the kitchen.”

“Yes, sir,” Tendou murmurs and sets his backpack down. He unloads the dishwasher and loads it again with the stuff in the sink. He wipes down the counters and picks up all the bottles scattered around the living room in a trash bag. He takes the bag and the bin filled with more bottles out to the curb and then goes back inside. Botan’s sitting in the living room. Tendou doesn’t see him stick his leg out until he’s already tripping over it and falling headfirst into a chair.

“Did you tell them?” Botan asks. Tendou shivers while he tries to push himself onto his knees.

“Tell them what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Satori. You know damn well what I’m asking you.”

Tendou feels some tears fall. He shakes his head. Botan snorts and takes another sip. “Guess I’ll have to do it again. Eventually. You’re too much of a coward to do it yourself.”

Tendou stands up and tries to leave for his room. “Hey!” Botan calls out and then his footsteps are booming towards him. “Don’t you walk away from me!”

Botan grabs Tendou by his jacket and slams him into the wall. His forearm presses against Tendou’s throat and he breathes heavily.

His rum-soaked breath makes Tendou cringe.

“Say goodnight to your father before you go to bed, boy,” Botan snarls. Tendou whimpers in terror. Botan fumes.

“G-Goodnight, father,” Tendou says. Botan lets him go harshly and turns back to the living room. Tendou darts into his room and throws his jacket and shirt onto the floor. He takes his shorts off and falls into bed.

He wants his safe space back.

Even if Soekawa does like him, Semi thinks he’s weird, the third and second-years think he’s creepy, and the coach hates him.

It’s better than this.

Anything’s better than this. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re very early,” a robotic voice says through his music. Tendou takes an earbud out and looks up at Ushijima. The other boy has the same, stoic, almost unmoving expression he always has on his face. Tendou lets his widened eyes relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think there are any special TW this chapter. Also please forgive me if anything about Shonen Jump isn't right. I had to look it up and was a tiny bit confused. Anyhoo, enjoy!

There’s another pile of bottles in the recycling bin when Tendou wakes up and shuffles into the kitchen. He checks the clock on the stove and drags his hand down his face. It’s seven. He’s up a little early but his father is late. Tendou turns around to go back down the hallway and stand in front of Botan’s room. He hates doing this. Especially when he knows the man’s hungover. Tendou takes a deep breath. He turns the doorknob and steps into the room. Botan’s room is a mess. The sheets are tangled around his feet and waist and Tendou doesn’t have to check to know he’s naked. The photo is off the bedside table. The whole room smells like a mix of vodka, vomit, and sweat.

He’s only fifteen years old. He shouldn’t know what vodka smells like.

Botan stirs when Tendou shakes his shoulder and then his hand is wrapped around Tendou’s wrist.

“Dad!” Tendou cries out. Botan opens his eyes and grumbles when he sees him.

“The hell are you doing in here?”

“Y-You’re late for work,” Tendou murmurs. Botan pushes Tendou off him, grumbling.

“Fucking hell,” he mutters. He starts getting out of bed and Tendou shuts his eyes and scrambles out of the room. “Get your lazy ass to school!”

“It doesn’t start for another hour and forty minutes,” Tendou argues.

“Do what I say or you won’t get a chance to be on a fucking volleyball team! I’ll kill you like-”

“Understood, sir!” Tendou clamps his hands over his ears. He pulls his uniform on, packs his backpack, and runs out of his room.

Botan is somehow already dressed and standing in the kitchen with a glass. Tendou sniffs before he walks past him.

Just water.

Botan reaches out and grabs Tendou’s arm. “It was your fault, Satori,” he says. Tendou shivers, nods, and walks away slowly when Botan lets him go.

He knows it was.

He saw it happen right before his eyes. He doesn’t need to be reminded every goddamn day since he was ten.

It’s a warm morning, but Tendou wraps his arms around himself the entire commute to school.

There isn’t any warmth in his life or body or soul anymore.

“You’re very early,” a robotic voice says through his music. Tendou takes an earbud out and looks up at Ushijima. The other boy has the same, stoic, almost unmoving expression he always has on his face. Tendou lets his widened eyes relax.

“Oh. Yeah, um, I just want to make a good impression,” Tendou lies. Ushijima glances between the locked, empty classroom Tendou’s sitting in front of and Tendou himself. Then he sits down next to him.

“Washijo is an asshole. To everyone apparently. Don’t take him being mean to you too personally. Although I’m sorry he’s an extra asshole to you.”

Tendou puts his phone and earbuds in his pocket. “It’s alright. I deserve it.”

“You don’t,” Ushijima says to the floor. “You’re lively. It’s fun. He shouldn’t be trying to make you...not lively.”

Tendou rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, thanks.”

Ushijima looks up and gives him one of those painfully awkward but remarkably endearing pats on the head. Tendou smiles at his shoes. No one’s ever liked how energetic he was before. And no one has wanted to touch him like this in ages. Even Botan avoids laying a hand on him if he doesn’t have to.

Depends on what he’s drinking.

“What are you doing here early?” Tendou asks. Ushijima frowns and points upwards.

“I live in the dorms. Easier that way.”

Tendou feels a pang of jealousy. He wanted to live in the Shiratorizawa dorms. Botan didn’t let him, saying something about how Tendou was expected to do the house chores.

“ _ While you drink yourself stupid,”  _ Tendou had muttered. He’d gotten a nasty cuff about the head for that comment before Botan put the blame for his addiction on Tendou.

It always came back to-

_ “Let me in, Satori!” _

“Hey?” Ushijima gently shoves his shoulder. “Are you okay? You’re staring.” Tendou shakes his head to get rid of the images flashing behind his eyes and puts his mask back on.

“Oh yeah, just thinking about  _ Shonen Jump _ ,” he says while wiggling his fingers. Ushijima cocks his head.

“What’s that?”

Tendou makes a hyperbolic gasp and pulls his phone out again. “You-Ushijima, sir-are missing out on a giant piece of our culture.” He hands one earbud to Ushijima and puts the other in his own ear. He likes listening to music while he reads and wants to give Ushijima the ultimate experience. He holds his phone horizontally and quietly explains what’s going on to catch the other boy up.

They sit and read side by side until the bell goes off and Ushijima takes his earbud out.

“I’m in class three. I’ll see you at practice.”

“See you,” Tendou says, his mask falls a little bit so it comes out somewhat wistfully. He knows he’ll see the other boy in a few hours. And if he really wanted to, he could pop into his classroom during break.

But for some reason, watching Ushijima disappear feels like just getting a glimpse at friendship only to have it ripped away from him.

Some kids walk away from Tendou exchanging some uncomfortable glances. His other peers look away while he goes back to his desk with his lunchbox and sits down by himself.

What is it about him that’s so off-putting? What is it about him that makes no one want to be around him? He stares at his box’s wrapping, the task of untying it suddenly feeling impossible. He folds his arms on his desk and drops his head down.

He just wanted a friend to eat with. Was that too much to ask?

The rest of the school day passes in a foggy blur and then it’s time for volleyball practice. Tendou wonders if anyone on the way to the locker room notices that his jaw is clenched and his vision keeps going fuzzy with tears.

Probably not.

He steps inside the locker room and doesn’t look at any of his teammates. He thinks he maybe hears Soekawa mutter something and then someone else giggles. Tendou just pulls his uniform shirt off and puts his jersey on before anyone can see the marks on his back. Ushijima isn’t here yet. It’s just all the ones who don’t like him in here.

His mask slips and he sniffs. Something’s rolling down his cheek and he wipes it away before anyone can see it.

Semi Eita’s slender, soft hand lands on his arm. “Hey. Are you alright?”

He can’t get a grip on his mask so he just nods. “I’m fine,” he says wetly. Semi frowns.

“Is this because of what happened at lunch today?”

Fuck.

He forgot Semi is in his class. Tendou doesn’t say anything. Even if he said yes, it’s not like Semi cares. If he did he would have sat with him. If he did he would have told him it was okay. If he did he would have said something to the kids who politely called him weird and then went into the hall. 

Semi doesn’t care. He looked away. He looked away like everyone always does.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tendou says, pulls his shorts on, slams his locker door shut, and walks away. “You don’t have to act like you want to bother.”

He slips out of the locker room and nearly runs into Ushijima. His spirits lift up a little bit and his mask comes back on to give the other boy a goofy grin.

“Long time no see,” Tendou says with a little bow. Ushijima smiles a tiny bit but Tendou counts that as a victory.

Ushijima heads into the locker room. Tendou catches a glimpse of Semi looking at the door with an awful expression on his face and Tendou runs off before anyone else can see him.

He jogs into the gym and changes his shoes. Washijo hums grumpily at him in lieu of a greeting and Tendou sighs.

He’s never going to impress that man.

He’s going to be fighting for his place all three years he’s on the team.

If they keep him that long after Botan comes to expose him. Whenever that happens. If he’s lucky, Botan will forget his threat in a bottle of whiskey.

He gets forgetful when he drinks whiskey.

The most likely scenario is that he comes to a game so he can learn everyone’s faces and then tell them all one by one.

He tries not to think about Botan while he does his warm-up killers. He tries to focus solely on his breathing and the harsh burning in his legs and lungs. He tries to pour everything he has into every drill. Every serve. Every receive. Every spike and every block.

He keeps glancing at Washijo every now and then. The man’s never watching him. His stomach swirls for a second. 

Then the man calls everyone over to split into two teams for a practice match. He’s thrown onto a team with Semi, Soekawa, Ushijima, and Nakamura. His stomach swirls again. The other members of his practice team are second years who think he looks like a freak.

He’s not deaf.

He can hear what they say about him when they think he’s far enough away to gossip about him.

He goes over to the net and puts his arms up. Nakamura comes up to his right, Semi to his left, and Ushijima goes back to serve.

“So. Coach decided to keep you another day,” Nakamura says. “He must be older than I thought. His vision is failing him.”

Tendou grinds his teeth and doesn’t say anything.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Nakamura-san,” Semi says without taking his eyes off the net. “But according to my memory, Tendou blocked  _ your  _ spike during the try-out match. Does that sound familiar?”

Tendou’s eyes go wide. Semi sends him a sideways glance past a fuming Nakamura. “Maybe, given that circumstance, you should leave him alone.”

Nakamura doesn’t reply and Tendou buries a howl of laughter.

The three of them crouch down as the other side’s setter sends the ball into the air and then the spiker jumps into the air.

The ball flies against Tendou’s hands and he pushes the ball back down to the ground.

“Nice one, Tendou!” Ushijima calls from the back row. A flush rises on Tendou’s cheeks. He remembers hearing his middle school teammates call those words out to each other. He remembers standing off to the side of a group hug and wishing someone would say that to him. No one ever did. Even if he did a good block or receive or serve.

No one called out ‘nice serve’ before he would hit the ball.

He was an outsider in a place he fought so hard to be a part of.

“Hey,” Semi says, wringing his hands together. Tendou looks up at him and pulls his joggers on. “I-I wanted to say I’m sorry. For not saying or doing anything at lunch today. You...looked really hurt. And I was right there. I should have done something.”

Tendou blinks and cocks his head. “Oh. I-It’s okay,” he says and swings his backpack on. “I-I can tell I put you off. You don’t have to…”

“You don’t. Put me off, that is. All the more reason I should have done or said something today. So. I’m sorry,” Semi says.

“A-Apology accepted,” Tendou says and holds his hand out. Semi beams and shakes his hand.

“If that ever happens again,” Semi says. “Or if you just want someone to sit and eat with, come to my desk. All my friends are in class two anyway.”

Tendou has to fight every fiber in his body not to jump for joy and squeal. This has never happened before. He’s never been invited anywhere. He nods his head too many times and then there’s that familiar heavy hand patting his head. Ushijima smiles at him a tiny bit and gives Semi a nod.

“Can you guys keep the sappy shit to a minimum, some of us were hoping to eat later,” Soekawa says as he walks by and leaves the locker room.

“You want some company heading home?” Semi asks, ignoring Soekawa.

Tendou goes cold.

“Oh, no. I don’t live far. Thanks though,” Tendou says and hurries out of the locker room before he can blabber too much and let anything spill about his father.

He hates that his home is a dirty little secret.

He comes through the back door and Botan turns around from the counter. He scoffs and pours more clear liquid from a glass bottle into a cup.

Sake.

He’s really mean when he drinks sake. But not violent. Usually, he gets disgusted with Tendou when he drinks sake.

“So they’re keeping you around, huh?”

“I’m good,” Tendou says softly. “I’m a good blocker.” Botan roars with laughter and goes back to the living room.

“The only thing you’re good at is being a fucking disappointment. And, if you want to get technical, murder.”

Tendou hugs his middle and feels his stomach churning. “I didn’t mean to,” he whispers.

“Yeah, sure you didn’t. I saw it, too you know. I remember what happened.”

_ “Get away from me, I hate you!” _

Tendou trembles and suddenly he’s crying and Botan’s laughing. “Doesn’t really matter whether you meant it or not. Still happened and it’s your fault, Satori.”

“I know,” Tendou whispers and walks to his room. He curls into a ball on his bed and just stares at the wall. He stays there until he hears Botan go to bed. Then he climbs out of his window and scales the side of the house to sit on the roof. He looks up at the cloudy night and lets his tears fall.

“I’m a monster,” he murmurs and he means it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whiskey is forgetful.  
>  Sake is mean but only with words.  
>  Rum is mean with words and only a little with his fists.  
>  Gin is angry but not violent.  
>  Tequila is senselessly violent. Tendou usually locks himself in his room when he sees a tequila bottle on the counter.  
>  Beer is sleepy and mean but only with words.  
>  Vodka is angry and dangerous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny TW for flashbacks but enjoy some mostly horse therapy and blossoming ushiten.

The banana feels gross and foamy in Tendou’s mouth. He doesn’t taste anything. He doesn’t feel anything other than the fruit. Every time he shuts his eyes, even just to blink, he sees misty orange lights, wet black concrete, and puddles lined with gold from the house lights. He feels the blood dripping down his head. It looked like just an extension of his hair when he saw his picture in the news online the next morning. His throat is sore. Sore from screams that died long ago. Sometimes it feels like he never stopped screaming. There are a lot of things in his life that certainly deserve a scream. Like how Botan constantly reminds him that it was all his fault. Like how Tendou had to make a list that he keeps in his desk. A list of Botan’s preferred alcohols and what each of them makes the man like.

Whiskey is forgetful.

Sake is mean but only with words.

Rum is mean with words and only a little with his fists.

Gin is angry but not violent.

Tequila is senselessly violent. Tendou usually locks himself in his room when he sees a tequila bottle on the counter.

Beer is sleepy and mean but only with words.

Vodka is angry and dangerous. Violent enough that Tendou fears for his life when he sees a vodka bottle. Those are the nights he’s chased around his house and beaten whenever he’s caught. When he got to middle school, Tendou started hiding the vodka bottles. He got beat to within an inch of his life a few months after it happened. And then he started hiding the vodka.

Some of it is buried in the garden.

Some of it is under the house in the crawlspace.

Some of it is in Tendou’s closet.

He’s terrified Botan will find it. He doesn’t want to think about what would happen to him if Botan found it.

He doesn’t feel his legs carry him past the gate and across the campus. He doesn’t see the buildings. He doesn’t see the weird looks he’s getting from the students he walks past. He’s so used to getting stared at. Tendou gave up on coming up with theories about what they found weird about him. He’s tall and gangly so it might be that. But Semi’s kind of tall and gangly and no one stares at him. Tendou’s eyes are big and alert but...is that enough? It doesn’t feel like it. Is it his hair? Is it just that people look at him and know he’s a murderer and then keep their distance? Botan says that sometimes. That if he hadn’t known Tendou, he could tell he was a freak and a killer just by looking at him.

He didn’t mean to. He wishes it could have been him instead. 

It should have been him instead.

Distantly he hears the horses in the barn and he realizes he’s gone too far. Tendou looks around, disoriented, but keeps seeing flashes of a blue van. Shiratorizawa swims in and out of focus and his breath gets harsh and burns his lungs. He grips his hair and staggers against the barn wall.

Barn.

Horses.

Is he allowed in the barn? He doesn’t take the equestrian class. But these aren’t any student’s horses, right? They all belong to the school. Tendou stumbles into the barn, way too grateful that there’s no one around. Maybe there should be some stablehand or something but Tendou doesn’t care. The horses keep transforming into parked cars and bushes and steps up to apartment buildings. Into windows with horrified faces mirroring his own. Into people on bikes rushing over to see what happened and if they need help. Tendou’s shaking but he manages to open one of the stalls and basically collapses into a horse. The animal huffs and nudges Tendou curiously with its nose. Tendou watches his hand stroke the chestnut hair of the horse’s neck and shoulder. It somehow makes the flashing images slow down. He feels the horse’s breath buster on the back of his neck and his body becomes his again.

“I didn’t mean to,” Tendou whispers to the horse. “I swear I didn’t mean to.”

The horse doesn’t say anything. It’s somehow comforting. The horse can’t understand him. The horse doesn’t know he’s a murderer. The horse doesn’t think he’s weird or off-putting. No one other than Ushijima has ever looked at him and hasn’t been creeped out. Part of him loves this. The other part of him is heartbroken that he can only get this from a robotic teenage boy and an animal. Tendou shuffles over to the pile of hay behind the horse. He falls into it and lets himself cry. He doesn’t cry that often. He doesn’t deserve to.

He’s a killer.

It was his fault.

He doesn’t get to cry over it. He just has to live with the guilt for the rest of his life.

But he can’t hold the tears back anymore. He just sobs into the hay and relishes in the slight pain in his arms and stomach and legs from the hay poking at his skin through his clothes.

The horse huffs above him and then it settles down beside him. It watches him with a tilted head and dark amber eyes. Tendou knows it’s an animal that can’t understand him or understand what he is but he’s never felt more seen than when he sees his reflection in the horse’s eye.

“I didn’t mean to,” Tendou sobs again, for the millionth time in five years. “I...was scared. I didn’t mean to.”

The horse sets its head on Tendou’s leg.

Tendou strokes the horse’s head and remembers that it’s not an equestrian class. It’s a club. No one will be in here for hours. He knows he’ll get in trouble if he’s found in here. He’ll get in trouble if Botan finds out he did this.

But he doesn’t care. He can’t bring himself to go to classes. He just wants to go to volleyball practice.

“You don’t care if I hide here, do you?” Tendou asks with airy seriousness. He’s never felt more like himself hiding in a barn with a horse. The norse huffs again and nudges his leg. “Thanks,” he whispers and adjusts so he can lean on the animal.

He finds himself talking. Talking to the horse about everything. He tells her, he did figure out the horse is a her, all about his life. He tells her about bouncing between houses since he was a baby. About finding a volleyball in the backyard and getting his neighbor to teach him how to play with it. He tells her about diagnoses, screaming parents, and hiding under bushes in backyards. He tells her about trying to run away when he was six.

And when he was seven.

And when he was eight.

And when he was nine.

And when he was ten.

He tells her about how he got caught each time. Once by his mom. Once by Botan. A couple of times by police officers.

He falls asleep eventually. Pressed up against a warm, soft, muscular horse. He hasn’t slept this easily in a while. No fear that Botan’s going to throw him out of bed. Or that he has to be out of the house before Botan wakes up. He knows he should be worried about when the equestrian team comes but he isn’t.

He’s just so tired.

“What the hell are you doing?” A frantic girl’s voice says. Tendou startles awake and scrambles up to his feet.

“S-Sorry. I gotta go!” Tendou leaps over the stall door and runs out of the stable as fast as he can. God, he hopes he doesn’t smell like horses. At least not too much. He might have deodorant in his locker. The world stays steady but now he’s hearing sirens that don’t exist and sobs coming from a young boy who didn’t mean to destroy everything. 

He stumbles up the steps to the locker room and ignores Soekawa’s raised eyebrow. He quietly heads to his locker and starts changing, not caring about them seeing the scars on his back. Maybe if Botan exposes him eventually, Tendou will just expose him right back in a desperate attempt to keep these people.

“Where were you?” Semi asks loudly. “You weren’t in class.”

Ushijima looks up from his locker and tries to meet Tendou’s eyes. “Why were you with the horses? Why didn’t you go to class?”

“Damn we might not have to ask the coach to kick you off,” a second-year says. “Your grades are going to do that for us.”

“Back off,” Ushijima barks at the other boy and scoots closer to Tendou. “What’s wrong?”

Tendou’s breath catches. 

Not ‘what’s wrong  _ with you _ .’

Just ‘what’s wrong.’

Not said with disgust. His voice is soft like he’s trying to protect Tendou from the outside world with nothing but his voice.

“Bad day,” Tendou whispers. Ushijima pats his shoulder.

“Get it out with some spikes and blocks, yeah?” Ushijima says. Semi slaps his back on his way out the door.

“Don’t get too down. We need our star guess-blocker,” he says and shuts the locker room door. Tendou laughs lightly and wipes his eyes. Ushijima gives him pats until they are both ready to go to the gym.

“If you need to talk to someone, I’m here,” Ushijima says. He looks off to the side, nods to himself, and glances back at Tendou. “Yes. I’m here for you.”

Tendou chuckles through closed lips and shuts his locker door. He smells less like a horse. “Thanks. But I don’t think what’s wrong is something you can help me with.”

“What makes you say that?” Ushijima asks. They walk across the grass to the gym and Tendou rubs the back of his neck. He couldn’t bear to tell Ushijima. He doesn’t want the shoulder pats to go away. He doesn’t want the kind words of encouragement to go away. He doesn’t want to be left completely at Coach Washijo’s mercy. Or Nakamura’s. So Tendou just shakes his head.

“You don’t want to know, Ushijima. And you don’t want to know me.”

“But I do know you?” Ushijima says with a tilted head. Tendou shakes his head again. 

“You don’t. And if you knew what was wrong with me you wouldn’t want to.” Ushijima doesn’t reply. He just watches Tendou walk into the gym with wide eyes and an open mouth. Tendou knows he’s going to lose what little support he has here the moment they have a game that Botan finds out about.

Then they’ll all know he’s a killer. That he’s a monster. They’ll kick him off the team and he’ll be all alone again.

Alone with Botan.

He can’t think of anything more hellish.

“Nice serve, Tendou!” Semi calls over his shoulder while Tendou twirls the ball in his hands. He likes serving. He’s not amazing at it like Ushijima is, but he likes it. He likes the tension that comes with it. There are only two kinds of serves. One that makes it over and one that doesn’t. One that makes you feel alive and one that fills you with shame. Tendou throws the ball up in the air and smacks it with almost everything he has. He learned the hard way that if he hits it with his all, it will go out of bounds. The ball floats over the net and lands on Ohira’s arms. He watches the game from the back row and sees the colors seep out of everything. He doesn’t feel his body anymore. He’s not in the game anymore.

His seatbelt is cutting into his neck and stomach. His head is pounding from the force that he’s shouting with. From how loud the street is. From how loud Botan is.

Hands land on his arms. He looks up and sees it again. All that fear flies back into his gut and he pushes and kicks and screams.

_ “Let me go! I don’t want to stay, let me go!” _

“Tendou!” A booming deep voice he knows that he knows shatters the image and Ushijima stands in front of him with Semi off to the side. Tendou’s never seen either boy look so afraid. And now they’re afraid of  _ him.  _

Why wouldn’t they be?

He’s a monster.

The whole team is staring at him. Washijo’s face is indiscernible. Tendou breaks out of Ushijima’s grasp and runs out of the gym.

“Tendou!” Washijo’s voice calls after him.

He doesn’t know where he’s going but he somehow winds up in the locker room, panting. Reality slips in and out of sight and Tendou can’t figure out how to keep it in his grasp.

Sirens.

Screaming.

Ambulances.

Rain blending with blood.

“Tendou?” Ushijima. Tendou falls back against the lockers and slides down to the floor. Everything slows down a little. He can hear a locker click open. A bag rustle. The door shut. Then Ushijima is sitting down beside him and holding out his phone. “We didn’t get to finish the  _ Shonen Jump  _ thing you showed me.”

Tendou reaches a shaking hand out and takes his phone. He opens it up to the bookmarked page and props the phone up on his knees, his fingers gripping the bottom. Ushijima presses closer so their shoulders are touching.

And they read. They read in silence, other than chuckling at the parts that make Tendou smile. Ushijima’s warmth and presence somehow ground Tendou in reality and everything stops swimming. They don’t even move when the team comes in to change. They don’t move until the last person has left.

“Are you okay?” Ushijima murmurs in the darkness. Tendou wipes his cheeks, he’d been crying the entire time they were reading and shakes his head.

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispers. He doesn’t want to know what Botan drank tonight. He doesn’t want Ushijima to be fifteen minutes away.

“Then don’t,” Ushijima says. “Come stay in my dorm.”

God, he wants to. Tendou would give anything to follow Ushijima across campus and spend the night in his dorm. Botan would kill him.

“I can’t,” Tendou whispers. “I need to go home.”

“But you don’t want to?”

Tendou sighs and drops his head in his hands. He’s never told anyone what he’s about to say. “My dad’s an alcoholic. A-And he hates me. If I’m too late…”

“Will he hurt you?” Ushijima asks softly. Tendou shrugs.

“Depends what he drank.”

Ushijima is silent for a second. “Tell him practice ran late and you hurt your foot. And a friend offered you a place to stay.”

Tendou sighs again. “I don’t know if he’d believe that.”

“Then I’ll go with you,” Ushijima says matter-of-factly. Tendou’s heart pounds and he shakes his head fervently.

“No. No, I can’t let him see you.”

“So he won’t,” Ushijima says. “I can come through your window.”

“Like a handsome prince,” Tendou teases with a swoon. Ushijima cracks a small smile. “That’s risky,” Tendou adds seriously.

“Well I’m not leaving you alone so take your pick,” Ushijima says. Tendou sighs. He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head.

“Fine. I’ll stay here,” Tendou murmurs and pulls out his text chain with Botan. They don’t text each other often. It’s mostly full of texts of Tendou asking the man for groceries.

_ I hurt my leg at practice today. It’s not bad but the coach says I shouldn’t walk on it. A teammate offered to let me stay in their dorm. _

Surprisingly, Botan replies instantly.

_ Thank god. I did not want to see your disgusting face tonight. _

Tendou buries the hurt and types out a thanks. He nods to Ushijima and the boys stand up.

“It’s okay?” Ushijima asks.

“Yes,” Tendou murmurs. “Sake.”

Ushijima raises an eyebrow. “Sake?”

“He was drinking sake, I think,” Tendou says. “So he doesn’t even want to see my face. Mean but only with words.”

Ushijima shakes his head and opens up the door to the locker room.

“I’m sorry he’s a drunk.”

Tendou shivers. He wasn’t until it happened. He was a good man who hated his son. 

“Yeah. Me, too.”

The Shiratorizawa dorms are simple, grey, and compact. Ushijima’s bed is lofted with a futon couch underneath the bed and a desk against the wall across from the door. A simple grey rug is on the floor and there’s a closet across from the bed. Ushijima digs through the closet and pulls out a spare pillow and blanket.

“You can sleep on the bottom,” he says. “But we can do homework together and eat before we sleep if you like.”

Tendou nods. He falls over and curls into a ball on the couch. Ushijima sets a plate of rice and veggies on the small table next to the couch and sits awkwardly next to Tendou.

“What happened to you? During practice,” Ushijima says softly. “It’s like you didn’t know where you were. Or who we were.”

“Yeah,” Tendou murmurs. “That happens sometimes.” Ushijima flinches and scoots closer.

“Why? Did something happen to you?” Ushijima asks. Tendou curls up tighter as the guilt sticks its sharp edges into every corner of his body.

“No,” Tendou whispers. “Nothing happened to me.” It’s technically not a lie. Nothing happened to him that night. Other than becoming a murderer.

“Tell me,” Ushijima murmurs. “I want to help.”

“Wakatoshi-kun,” falls off Tendou’s lips like the easiest words in the world. “I’m not going to tell you something that will make you hate me.”

“I won’t hate you.”

“You would. You will. You’ll find out eventually,” Tendou says to the floor. He knows Botan will find a way to tell the team.

He wants to delay being left alone just a little longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, it gets sadder.


End file.
